Narcissists

Those emotional reactions are your puppet strings.  Cut the strings.  

 

Call a truce.  Step outside their paradigm of “everything’s a fight”.  If you try to “defeat” them on their own terms, you can never “win”, since this is their domain and home territory, it’s all they know, and they are the experts here.  Instead, just don’t fight: try something else.  If life is a war, for a narcissist, then it follows that they can respond well to empathy (understanding of needs and emotions), support, and patience.  Use techniques from Unconditional Love, such as helping, educating, and the compassionate outcome.  The ideal is, perhaps, to compassionately take control of the situation, especially when it appears that one is dealing with an overgrown child.  However, be aware that many narcissists are a crocodile who will likely try to bite off your hand if you let them, so maintain your boundaries and self-protection.  

 

Benefits of narcissism

Narcissists can often be the best fun in the world, adding colour and excitement to a scene.  

They can be driven to achieve ambitiously great things that everyone benefits from, through their grandiosity and entitlement, or their need for self-esteem.   

 

Links

Narcissistic personality disorder

Harmful narcissists and their effects on others

Narcissistic manipulation  [18]

Manipulative words  

Manipulative behaviour  

Knight in Sham Armour

The Dysfunctional Ways a Family Protects a Narcissist

The Female Malignant Narcissist is Just as Dangerous as Her Male Counterpart

Enablers  

Flying monkeys

Gray rock

 

 

References / further reading:  

M E Thomas – “Confessions of a Sociopath” – quite possibly one of the best philosophy books ever written: a good-natured and affectionate hymn to the competitive side of human nature that all of us have.  

Dr Elinor Greenberg – “Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations – the pursuit of love, admiration, and safety” – quite possibly one of the best books of everyday psychology ever written, easily understandable by lay people.  

 

Genetic and pseudo-narcissists – a hypothesis

Quite possibly, some narcissists are born, some are made, and some are both.  

It is easy to see how a non-genetically-narcissistic child can be brought up to copy and react to the ways of an egotistical parent who does not care about their needs; how such a person may become bold, daring, and devil-may-care (through having to rely on themselves in uncertain circumstances); like a covert narcissist, relegated to the shadows while they adore some shining light, while lashing out passive-aggressively; or like a malevolent narcissist, full of spite and anger and with controlling ways.  

The way to tell the difference is in the genetically moral aspects of someone’s personality, i.e. in an adapted narcissist, the “jaw-dropping selfishness” is absent, and the person generally cares about people’s needs when it is normally appropriate.  

Some genetic narcissists may have the co-adaptation of schizoid (may employ distancing techniques as an ego defense) or borderline (may seek love and affection as an ego defense).  

 

A spectrum with dimensions  

It may well be that narcissism exists on a spectrum from mild to severe, and in addition, there are various qualities in narcissism that may be turned up or down according to the individual.  These could include: callousness, cruelty in response to need, controlling behaviour, passive aggression, “superstar personality”, status anxiety, lack or otherwise of a moral compass, lack of a conscience, lack of caring, etc.  

[Joel Bakan, author of The Corporation: the Pathological Pursuit of Profit and Power] posits that corporations behave with all the classic signs of sociopathy: They are inherently amoral, they elevate their own interests above all others’, and they disregard moral and sometimes legal limits on their behavior in pursuit of their own advancement.  Organizations of this type would thrive under the leadership of people who have the same traits: sociopaths.  

ME Thomas – “Confessions of a Sociopath”

 

 

Evolution and genes

One of the central proposals in this philosophy is that the native abilities of humans in cooperation, and the native human morality based on cooperation, are a result of evolution (i.e. random genetic mutation, and natural selection, over generations).  

From this, it follows that humans have extra genes for cooperation that other animals do not have.  Genes are transmitted from parents to offspring.  

Narcissism – a hypothesis

The current hypothesis is that narcissists are essentially lacking in the genes for cooperation that most people have.  Crudely speaking, this means that social life for narcissists is competitive and self-interested rather than cooperative.  Narcissists appear to lack empathic concern for others’ needs; other-benefiting morality; and a conscience towards the individuals they hurt.  This might sound like the description of someone terrible, but a narcissist is still a flesh and blood person like you or me, and he or she will bleed if you prick them, so they have to be managed with the maximum benefit and least harm available to them.  A narcissist will likely feel a warm positive regard towards you if you help them.  

Evidence for heritability of narcissism

The little research that exists on the subject seems to indicate that narcissism is at least partly inherited.  There is anecdotal evidence to suggest that it can be completely inherited, with no apparent environmental influence.  

 

Distinctive behaviour of narcissists

Narcissists, like everyone else, come in all shapes and sizes, yet “narcissism” stands out as a distinct pattern of behaviour within all this variation.  What are the classic signs that make us identify someone as having this “profound” condition?  

1)  They have to be Number 1

This is perhaps the clearest and most pervasive indication that someone is a narcissist.  We can see that most of the time, this is someone’s primary objective during any social encounter: they have to be on top, they have to be admired, they have to be agreed with, they have to be in charge, they can’t tolerate competition, they have great difficulty being Number 2.  Typically, a narcissist finds it genuinely upsetting to have to be Number 2 instead of Number 1.  It’s a tragedy, all is lost.  If life is about winning or losing, then being Number 2 means losing.  

2)  They can’t take criticism or being disagreed with

If you are required to criticise the behaviour of a narcissist, then their normal response is to ignore the criticism entirely, and to attack you instead, “by any means necessary”.  Victim-blaming, shutting you down, deflecting the conversation, denial, talking rubbish to confuse you, and “what about [me!!! or, alternatively, you!!!]” are routine ways to avoid addressing the issue.  There is a word for all this, and it refers to something that comes out of the back end of a bull.  

Because life is a war, for a narcissist, then disagreement is typically felt as a personal betrayal of allegiance.  

3)  “Jaw-dropping selfishness”; a lack of empathy and other moral emotions

More precisely, what narcissists lack is empathic concern: they do not care about other people’s needs.  These seem to be invisible to narcissists, except when they want to prey on someone’s weakness.  When they do appear to care about others, it’s typically strategic to their own interests.  Narcissists are famous for coldly abandoning people once they have served their usefulness.  They often seem to see others as cardboard cut-outs: disposable objects just there to be used.  

Less obviously, typically, they also lack accountability, fairness, impartiality, sympathetic joy, and treating people on equal terms with themselves.  They often show a “take it or leave it” attitude towards genuine morality; or else it is misused to bully and belittle people through self-righteous judging; or to put on the sham of being a specially good person through “virtue signalling”: conspicuous displays of “goodness”.  

Yet we can see that narcissists in general know how to collaborate with others to get things done.  Joint thinking, and joint action, require highly developed skills that are specific to humans.  

We can conclude that narcissists possess all the sophisticated human cognitive skills of cooperation, without the corresponding emotional adaptations.  In other words, they lack the moral emotions.  These are basically defined as the other-regarding emotions of concern, fairness and impartiality: the building blocks of the normal human sense of right and wrong, which are necessary in order for warm, human, emotional cooperation to function properly.  

To a narcissist, morality is there to serve them and no-one else.  So “fairness” becomes “I want it all for myself”; “concern for others” is replaced almost entirely by “concern for myself”; “impartiality” means “I get special treatment, and others don’t matter”.  For many narcissists, ethics means simply “anything against me is bad”, “anything for me is good”.  People around them are held to impossibly strict standards of behaviour, and any slight lapse of consideration towards them can make them distressed and angry.  However, they are apparently free to treat other people like dirt, and it’s magically OK.  Typically, hypocrisy and double standards are the order of the day.  

4)  They like to control and manipulate others

The majority of people achieve things by working with others: through cooperation and friendship among equals.  Narcissists tend to get what they want through control and manipulation, often by playing “games”.  A famous one is “triangulation” – getting two people to compete for their affection, and then playing them off against each other.  Another is playing the victim.  Typically, they enjoy controlling and manipulating others for its own sake – as a way to feel powerful, to “win”.  True to form, this means that the other person “loses”.  A narcissist could suck the life out of Tigger.  

If you have genuinely the best will in the world, yet you are forced to walk on eggshells, or change your behaviour, just to avoid upsetting someone for ridiculous reasons – whether this is spoken or unspoken – this is a sign of possible controlling behaviour.  

5)  They need a punch bag

To a narcissist, suffering means losing; it is simply unfair to them personally, so somebody has to pay.  In order to even things out, they will intentionally make somebody else suffer.  To this end, normally, somebody in their life is nominated as a habitual “punch bag”.  This is often a child or spouse.  This way, human beings are deliberately damaged; decades may be lost; lives ruined.  This bullying behaviour is a normal defense mechanism of narcissists, and so it tends to be manifested most when they are suffering or feeling stressed.  

It is common for a narcissistic parent to withhold food or other necessaries from his or her child, as a form of destructive power and control.  

6)  Underachievement and fear of failure

Not all, by any means, but a significant subset of narcissists can be seen to be underachievers, to fail to live up to their talents.  This may be for several reasons:

  1. They fear losing.  To a narcissist, failure is seen as a humiliating defeat in the war of life, so many will refuse to embark on anything at which they might not succeed.  This can lead to a negative attitude to life and a cynicism towards ambition.
  2. Many narcissists cannot stand for somebody around them to succeed, especially when they themselves are an underachiever, and consequently, they are willing to sabotage the efforts of others, even when it hurts the narcissist’s own interests.  Typically, others might wonder if the narcissist is insane, when it becomes clear that they do not care if they bring the roof down on everyone’s head.  
  3. Lack of a support system, through driving away allies, because of a competitive attitude, can lead narcissists to underachieve in life.  

7)  Black and white: if you’re not with me, you’re against me

Everything that is not me is dirt.

Patient of Karl Abraham

It is usual for narcissists to take an extreme “them and us” attitude: anyone different from them can be seen as worthless, defective or evil.  This makes sense if we refer to the war metaphor, where my enemy is my rubbish.  It’s a bleak, unhappy view of the world.  

 

Cooperative identity: a hypothesis  

 

controlling others is how I validate my own sense of self-worth.

ME Thomas – “Confessions of a Sociopath”

 

Shame is a moral emotion, but it is self-centred rather than other-centred.  It is part of having a “cooperative identity”.  A cooperative identity has both a public and a personal aspect.  Publicly, it is defined as how cooperative you are evaluated to be by the people who know you: your public reputation as a cooperative team player.  If the world sees us as bad then we can feel shame.  If the world sees us as good then this is a source of self-esteem.  

The personal cooperative identity can be seen as an internalised version of the public one.  This is a standard which we feel we must live up to, a judgement of our self-worth.  If we see ourselves as bad then our conscience troubles us.  If we see ourselves as good then this is a source of self-esteem.  

Narcissists are notoriously prone to shame and shame-based depression, and their self-esteem is known to be fragile and dependent on the admiration of others.  

The current hypothesis is that narcissists are somewhat lacking in a conscience, along with lacking in the genes for cooperation.  This has two consequences: 1) the conscience is not available as a source of self-esteem; 2) narcissists are therefore entirely dependent on external validation for their self-esteem.  

Narcissists are also prone to feelings of humiliation and that others are attacking them.  This is natural if one lives in a state of low-level war with the world: everyone is a potential enemy, especially those one has wronged.  A personal slight, or even a failure to be acknowledged, etc., is a victory by the enemy, and is naturally felt much more keenly by a narcissist than by a cooperative person with innately healthy self-esteem who tends to see others as a peaceful source of mutual support.  

Narcissists are additionally vulnerable because they cut themselves off from the support system that humans have evolved: each other.  A social being who lacks cooperative and moral feelings will naturally find life harder than the rest of us, because they may have a hard time getting on well with people in the long term.  In the world of the narcissist, negative consequences lurk around every corner, and we assume that this is not a nice place to be.  

External reputation  

The fact that narcissists are famous for attempting to bolster their self-esteem by trying to foster a great public image fits with the hypothesis of a defective cooperative identity.  It is also an example of the manipulativeness that narcissists are famous for.

Attachments

This external reputation comes under the general category of ego attachments: external features of our lives which we use to make ourselves feel bigger and more powerful and important.  

 

Three types of narcissist

Each narcissist is different, just like everyone else, but we can observe various distinct qualities that can vary according to the person: for example, how deceptive someone is; how status-obsessed; how brittle; how paranoid; aggressive; malevolent; able to laugh at oneself; charming; self-aware; empathically concerned about the needs of others.  

It has been proposed that there are three main categories of narcissists, which differ according to the strategy they use to “win”.  

We also see that these various behaviours may be present in most narcissists, depending on the situation they find themselves in, but, perhaps, one or other may predominate.  In general, there is a lot of less-than-straightforward behaviour displayed, in that a narcissist may claim or appear to be doing one thing, but is actually doing another.  

 

How  to get the best out of a narcissist

Don’t play their games.  Don’t jump through hoops to prove yourself.  Narcissists are, in general, like Gary Kasparov, the Grand Chess Master of the World, when it comes to playing games.  Every time, it’s checkmate for you.  The only rule of the game is that you lose.  So do not play.  As soon as you engage with the drama, you’ve lost.  Instead, keep cool; play the adult; rise above it; be tactical; don’t give away your power; get yourself out of that situation without falling into the “trap” that has been set.  Narcissists don’t necessarily care about consequences: all they care about is feeling like they are No. 1.  The intended object is to make you feel upset, frustrated, angry, small, and undermined; to work you like their puppet: this is not what you want: refuse to let them make you feel bad.  These games can often be very hidden and subtle, masquerading as something else that looks reasonable to a reasonable person; and so, not easy to spot.  

Narcissism

 

 

Narcissism – a genetic hypothesis

A narcissist can be recognised as someone who only cares about themselves and will attempt to put others down.  They tend to relate to others in a competitive way of destructive power and control rather than cooperation and tolerance.  

 

Competition and cooperation

Observe this diagram, which shows the two dimensions of social life: competition and cooperation.  All social species are both competitive and cooperative, but humans depend upon cooperation much more heavily than any other species except for the social insects (e.g. bees, ants, termites).